The Stuck Aspect: Trauma Series

stuck, trauma, emotional health, mental health, PTSD, emotional healing, brokenness, katina horton, poetry, poem

There is nothing worse than feeling stuck. Literally stuck! Sometimes we have a zipper that is stuck. When it happens, it is usually when we are in a hurry. So, what we do is to keep pulling and tugging on the zipper, creating a worse situation. Then, we pull long where we end up with extra material in the way of the zipper, and the next thing you know, we have a ripped coat and a stuck zipper.

stuck, trauma, emotional health, mental health, PTSD, emotional healing, brokenness, katina horton, poetry, poem
Photo by George Becker on Pexels.com

How about being stuck in an elevator? I don’t like elevators myself, and so the thought of being stuck on one just makes me feel claustrophobic and helpless. And of course, for people who have been stuck on elevators, their first reaction is to panic. Lastly, what about feeling stuck in a relationship? There is nothing worse than feeling powerless, and not realizing that you do have options. However, you have grown so used to dysfunction, that you don’t know what it is even like to exert boundaries, and explore these options.

Today’s topic, “The Stuck Aspect”, deals with a dissociated state of trauma. In this state you end up feeling helpless, trapped, and not sure of how to proceed, where to go, or when to go. We will explore two aspects of this state: the stuck inside and the stuck outside aspect.

STuck Outside Aspect

The Stuck Outside aspect of trauma is when you are dissociating, and having an experience where you are “outside” of yourself. This experience makes you feel like you are watching yourself as if you are watching a movie, but you are not part of the movie where all of you is integrated together.

I first experienced this when I was living at my last place of residence, and trauma was reigning, and in the forefront of my life. Basically, I was in survival mode. I hadn’t done much work in the area of healing because of being afraid to face my feelings, possible retraumatization, and fear. I had all of this going on coupled with the fact that I had just been released from working in a toxic environment for nine months. When it happened, I felt out of control, and I started feeding more into it, with the anxiety from trauma escalating.

It continued to occur when I moved to the residence that I am living at now. However, I realized how to manage the symptoms better. Instead of panicking more, I started to remind myself that I was fine, and of the status of my present surroundings and situation. This created a calm inside of my brain, and then it would pass.

Stuck Inside Aspect

The stuck inside aspect deals with you feeling like you are trapped inside of your body. People on the outside can see from your facial expression, or the lack thereof, that something is wrong, but they aren’t sure of how to handle it. You feel like your whole body has gone stiff as a board, and you can tell that your eyes are doing something weird. This might sound strange, but I have also noticed that since having trauma, eating certain foods can bring this on.

I was at a worship service with a friend right before Christmas a couple of years ago, and it happened right after I’d finishing eating. I could tell that she was trying to figure out what was going on, because I saw her staring into my eyes, trying to figure out if I was okay. Once again, I grounded myself in my location, and in the present moment, and I told myself that I would be fine, that it had happened before, and to just let it pass. It eventually passed. However, it had definitely caught me off guard.

Thoughts

Have you ever found yourself in the “Stuck Inside” or “Stuck Outside” Aspect of trauma. And if so, what did you do to calm yourself down? What was the reaction of others around you? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Other posts in this series:

The Anniversary Aspect

The Unpredictability Aspect

Advertisements

Separated

separated, love of Christ, cause of Christ, calling, forsaken, katina horton, simple function grace-filled living, katina horton, author, poetry, blogger, lifestyle

When we think of separation, it brings up pain and sadness. However, when we are separated for the cause of Christ, it changes everything. For to live is Christ, and to die is gain. We have the Father’s love to guide us as we run our race of endurance.

separated, love of Christ, cause of Christ, calling, forsaken, katina horton, simple function grace-filled living, katina horton, author, poetry, blogger, lifestyle
Photo by Sarah Pflug

Separated

I’ve been separated.

It’s been delegated.

For the cause of Christ.

It requires my life.

For I lay it down.

Not for world renown.

It’s been set in stone.

No, I’m not alone.

Blessings,

Katina

Related post:

Who Can Separate Us?

Little Whispers: Song in My Heart

Episode 18: Hearing God’s Voice in the Midst of Chaos

emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, podcaster, podcast, podcasting, author, blogger, writer, blog, katina horton, listen, obey, trust, follow

Episode 18: Hearing God’s Voice in the Midst of Chaos
Healing Our Brokenness Podcast Seri...

 
 
00:00 / 00:16:37
 
1X
 

There are a lot of voices that we hear on a daily basis. However, discerning the voice of God becomes the most important one that we need to focus on. Do we know what to look for? Is it the same voice for everyone? These questions and more will be answered in this week’s episode: Hearing God’s Voice in the Midst of Chaos.

emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, podcaster, podcast, podcasting, author, blogger, writer, blog, katina horton, listen, obey, trust, follow
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
  • Podcast Outline
  • How to Know It’s God
  • How God Speaks to Me
  • Truths on Hearing God’s Voice
  • Samuel and the Voice of God

Part #1 Hearing God’s Voice

Podcast Transcript:

Good afternoon!  Welcome to Valley of Grace’s Healing Our Brokenness Podcast!  Today we are on episode 18, entitled, Hearing God’s Voice in the Midst of Chaos.  When we think about hearing God, we often associate it with the Ten Commandments movie where God spoke to Moses on the mountain.  Sometimes God is just that powerful.  However, often hearing God can come in the small, subtle, or least grand ways than we expect. 

So, the question that you all are probably asking is, “Well, if it is small, how will I know?”

We do three things: 

  • We slow down enough to hear him.  If we aren’t slowed down enough, we won’t hear God, or gain clarity on anything else that is going on. 
  • We pray and ask God to help us to become discerning in regard to noticing his voice.
  • WE look for God to speak to us in themes or patterns.  This can be via sermons at church, small groups and bible studies, therapy, or via inner circle advice.

Part #2 Hearing God’s Voice

I have realized for myself that God speaks to me through my work.  Since I read and listen to a lot of blogs, articles, podcasts, and sermons, God will have them to center around a certain theme for me to understand that it is something that I need to work on. 

Sometimes he speaks to me in dreams to prepare me.  I have heard others say that God doesn’t speak to other people in dreams as in biblical times.  I beg to differ.  God knows each and everyone of us by name, the number of the strands of hair that is on our heads, and the names of all the stars.  I believe that God will use whatever means necessary for us to know that it is him. 

A few years ago, after going through a horrific divorce, I longed to see my dad who I hadn’t been in contact with for a while.  I searched for him, and unfortunately, came to a dead end.  About two weeks later, I had a dream that I was with him on the bus in Chicago, and he was wearing the leather jacket that he often wore when I was a kid.  I looked down at his shoes and pants, and I realized that he had the appearance of not keeping himself up.  So, in the dream, I pondered over asking him if he was homeless, but I was afraid to ask.  I woke up, wondering what this all meant.  Less than a week later, my dad got on the bus that a family friend was driving, and he was able to connect with my aunt who brought him to my house. 

The sight of him nearly made me fall to the ground.  He had indeed hit hard times and was homeless for a period of nine months.  God has given me a lot of situations like this to speak to me.

In several other instances, I thought that it was me being strong-willed/lazy in regard to something that someone else wanted me to do with them.  I am not a strong-willed person.  However, I am human, and a sinner.  And like all of us broken individuals, there are things that we know that we should do, but don’t feel like doing, and we fuss and go on and do it.  I thought this was the case in about three situations, then I realized my whole will had changed because God was trying to tell me that it is something that I shouldn’t be doing. 

It took a while to see the pattern.  They weren’t bad things.  They were things that I had already dealt with in my healing.  There was literally a pulling in my chest, and a feeling in my spirit that said, “No!  This is not for you.”  I was surprised because one time I had planned to write a certain devotion, and I felt God’s Spirit telling me, “No!”.  I decided to write on a different topic that night: Handpicked by God.  As I was riding in the car the following morning, I received confirmation that I made the right choice by getting a 3-minute clip on a Bible Teacher’s message.  It coincided with the new devotion.  The words that came out of her mouth were almost verbatim to what I had said in my devotion.  I choked up with tears.  What I thought was simplicity was God exemplifying that he is a God of order.

God can also have us to sense things in our spirit that something is wrong when we talk to people.  Their emotions and psychological dysfunctions can enter our emotional, psychological, and spiritual space.  Sometimes it takes a while to figure this out.  We are usually able to detect this in patterns after a while. 

A few months ago, I had the feeling that my confidence had been stripped away.  This was due to the trauma and the cycle of shame that revolved around it.  Even if there were things that I knew how to do, I would get afraid of not being able to do them.  This is indeed a problem with trauma, where you can forget how to do certain things temporarily at any point and time.  However, it isn’t often that it happens.  And I realized just recently, that Satan was using this fact to create low confidence in everything that I did.  Right around the time that revelation hit, I had three different instances of God speaking to me in regard to this confidence. 

The first one included a conversation with someone that I met who was able to discern this.  The second conversation was from someone wishing me a happy birthday, and then stating that 2019 would be the year of confidence for me.  The third time was reading a book, and having a specific chapter speak on self-confidence, the importance of it, and how to lean into God’s love to get it.  For some reason, I had never thought about praying for confidence. 

Here are some Truths that we can meditate on when it comes to Hearing from God in the Midst of Chaos

  • Being too busy will miss out on hearing God’s voice.
  • If we are limited to our way, we will miss out on hearing God’s voice.
  • The failure to act in obedience in the small window of time that God gives us in emergency situations may hinder us from hearing God’s voice.
  • When we fail to act on God’s instructions to share what he has placed in our heart with someone else, we miss the opportunity to bless someone.
  • When we fail to act on God’s instructions to share what he has placed in our heart with someone else, we also miss the opportunity of bringing possible correction or rebuke to that person on an issue that God was already trying to show them.

Part #3 Hearing God’s Voice

Samuel learned to identify God’s voice.  And unfortunately, he had some sad news to give to Eli, who had neglected his duties as the person in charge of the temple in 1 Samuel 3:

And the child Samuel ministered unto the LORD before Eli. And the word of the LORD was precious in those days; there was no open vision.

And it came to pass at that time, when Eli was laid down in his place, and his eyes began to wax dim, that he could not see;

And ere the lamp of God went out in the temple of the LORD, where the ark of God was, and Samuel was laid down to sleep;

That the LORD called Samuel: and he answered, Here am I.

And he ran unto Eli, and said, Here am I; for thou calledst me. And he said, I called not; lie down again. And he went and lay down.

And the LORD called yet again, Samuel. And Samuel arose and went to Eli, and said, Here am I; for thou didst call me. And he answered, I called not, my son; lie down again.

Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD, neither was the word of the LORD yet revealed unto him.

And the LORD called Samuel again the third time. And he arose and went to Eli, and said, Here am I; for thou didst call me. And Eli perceived that the LORD had called the child.

Therefore Eli said unto Samuel, Go, lie down: and it shall be, if he call thee, that thou shalt say, Speak, LORD; for thy servant heareth. So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

And the LORD came, and stood, and called as at other times, Samuel, Samuel. Then Samuel answered, Speak; for thy servant heareth.

And the LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle.

In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house: when I begin, I will also make an end.

For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.

And therefore I have sworn unto the house of Eli, that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be purged with sacrifice nor offering for ever.

And Samuel lay until the morning, and opened the doors of the house of the LORD. And Samuel feared to shew Eli the vision.

Then Eli called Samuel, and said, Samuel, my son. And he answered, Here am I.

And he said, What is the thing that the LORD hath said unto thee? I pray thee hide it not from me: God do so to thee, and more also, if thou hide any thing from me of all the things that he said unto thee.

And Samuel told him every whit, and hid nothing from him. And he said, It is the LORD: let him do what seemeth him good.

And Samuel grew, and the LORD was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground.

And all Israel from Dan even to Beersheba knew that Samuel was established to be a prophet of the LORD.

I have had situations where I felt God speaking to me about sharing with someone in regard to my own person struggles.  However, I allowed my own shame, and the worry about other peoples’ perception of me get in the way of obedience.  There have been other times that I was more afraid of ugly face crying and losing control in the process of vulnerability rather than the obedience itself.  I had to speak truth to myself about this.  It is sin.  I am calling it what it is.  When we know to do good, and we don’t do it, it is flat out sin.  I hope that you have enjoyed our episode of Hearing from God in the midst of Chaos.  God bless, and until next time.

Related Post:

Hearing God

Hearing God

hearing God, katina horton, valley of grace, hearing God's voice, Elijah, Samuel, poetry, author, podcaster, blog. listen, waiting

Background on Hearing God

This poem is meant to uplift your hearts when you are crying out and hoping to hear from God with a word of assurance. Be blessed!

hearing God, katina horton, valley of grace, hearing God's voice, Elijah, Samuel, poetry, author, podcaster, blog. listen, waiting
Photo by Jonas Mohamadi on Pexels.com

Hearing God

We will hear him.

Just be still.

He will guide us.

Father’s will.

May be big.

May be small.

No mistaking

When he calls.

Holy Spirit

Is our Helper.

Thank you God

For “Intercessor”.

Other Related poetry

Little Whispers: Songs in My Heart

Comfort of Worship

Bible Verses to Meditate On:

“And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; [but] the LORD [was] not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; [but] the LORD [was] not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; [but] the LORD [was] not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. And it was [so], when Elijah heard [it], that he wrapped his face in his mantle, and went out, and stood in the entering in of the cave. And, behold, [there came] a voice unto him, and said, What doest thou here, Elijah?” 1 Kings 19:11-13

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you. Psalm 32:8-9

Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known. Jeremiah 33:3

The Anniversary Aspect: Trauma Series

anniversary aspect, katina horton, simple functional grace-filled living, valley of grace, valley of grace blog, emotional health, PTSD, trauma, brokenness, healing, living with and healing from trauma on a daily basis, marriage, family, narcissism, pathology, suicide, carbon monoxide poisoning, triggers, resolution

We have been dealing with the series “Living With and Healing from Trauma on a Daily Basis” for a while now. Today we will dissect “The Anniversary Aspect”. Just in case you missed the last post in this series, “The Unpredictability Aspect”, you can read up on that particular issue here.

Anniversary dates can bring on several reactions: laughing, smiling, crying, dread, and so on. These reactions can be separate. Or, they can coexist. The one thing that is true about anniversaries is that no matter how much you try to prepare for them, when the time comes, there is no preparation in the world for what the reality will look like.

anniversary aspect, katina horton, simple functional grace-filled living, valley of grace, valley of grace blog, emotional health, PTSD, trauma, brokenness, healing, living with and healing from trauma on a daily basis, marriage, family, narcissism, pathology, suicide, carbon monoxide poisoning, triggers, resolution
Photo by Secret Garden on Pexels.com

January 13, 2019 made six years that I had to put my ex-husband out. It was two months before his planned exit. Although that was six years ago, when the beginning of this past January rolled around, it felt like it had just happened yesterday. One surprising fact is that the 13th of January fell on a Sunday once again. Just like it was six years ago.

For the first time in almost six years, I dealt with triggers in regards to this event for almost an entire month. I knew that I wasn’t back there, but when the triggers came, it was as if I was standing around in the townhome 6 years ago, trying to decide what to do about the situation that I found myself in at the time: a husband who was staging a fake suicide four days in a row.

If I hadn’t responded in the manner in which I did, by going downstairs and checking the garage, me and my sleeping children could have ended up dead. There are some things that happen in life in which there are no words for, and this is one of them.

How did things get to this point? How could an individual go this far in order to regain control and pull you back in so they could emotionally and psychologically abuse you again?

So many unanswered questions.

And these things will more than likely never been answered on this side of heaven. Hurting people hurt people. Until we begin to take responsibility for our actions, we will continue to bleed out on everyone else in the form of drama, trauma, and layers of brokenness.

One thing that we can do when we are taken back on these anniversary dates is to ground ourselves in the present. We ground ourselves by reminding ourselves of where we are, what we are doing, and how it relates to now. We also create new memories to replace the old ones. There are times when following these steps don’t seem to work, and in those instances, you hold on to Jesus, and give yourself grace as you would give a friend.

Is there an anniversary date that you dread coming up every year?

Trust

katina horton, poet, author, podcaster, valley of grace, simple functional grace-filled living, grace, trust, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health

It’s hard to trust. It doesn’t matter whether it is in marriages, friendships, or in our relationship with God. The difference about our trust in God is that he will never let us down. Either our answer will be something that is or isn’t in his will. He is our constant!

katina horton, poet, author, podcaster, valley of grace, simple functional grace-filled living, grace, trust, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Trust

Trust

In Him.

Not On

A Whim.

His Promises

Are Real.

Not Just

What

You Feel.

Proverbs 3:5-6 New International Version (NIV)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Related Poetry

I’m in Control: The Struggle Between Two Wills

Trials

Episode 17: No excuses!

emotional health, mental health, katina horton, valley of grace, simple functional grace-filled living, excuses, spiritual health, writer, blogger, podcast, podcaster, poet, brokenness, healing, Jonah, survival, broken pieces,teachable

Episode 17: No excuses!
Healing Our Brokenness Podcast Seri...

 
 
00:00 / 00:12:53
 
1X
 

Are you tired of making excuses for everything that you did or didn’t do? How about hearing excuses from your kids when they didn’t follow through with their chores, or something you specifically told them to get done? In the beginning, it doesn’t seem so bad, but after a while, like anything else, excuses can get played out. Even with God.


Like the Israelites, we find ourselves in a vicious cycle. We end up begging God for mercy. saying that we’ll do better, and then going right back to continue the same sin over again. We end up cheapening grace until God steps in and causes a wake-up call! Listen to the podcast for this week to find out what happened to me when I ran out of excuses. Last week’s podcast episode can be found here.

No Excuses Podcast Outline

  • Background on No Excuses
  • Example of No Excuses in the bible
  • My Chastisement
  • Podcast Transcript
emotional health, mental health, katina horton, valley of grace, simple functional grace-filled living, excuses, spiritual health, writer, blogger, podcast, podcaster, poet, brokenness, healing, Jonah, survival, broken pieces,teachable
Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

No Excuses Podcast scripture:

Jonah 3-4 King James Version (KJV)

And the word of the Lord came unto Jonah the second time, saying,

Arise, go unto Nineveh, that great city, and preach unto it the preaching that I bid thee.

So Jonah arose, and went unto Nineveh, according to the word of the Lord. Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days’ journey.

And Jonah began to enter into the city a day’s journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.

So the people of Nineveh believed God, and proclaimed a fast, and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them even to the least of them.

For word came unto the king of Nineveh, and he arose from his throne, and he laid his robe from him, and covered him with sackcloth, and sat in ashes.

And he caused it to be proclaimed and published through Nineveh by the decree of the king and his nobles, saying, Let neither man nor beast, herd nor flock, taste any thing: let them not feed, nor drink water:

But let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and cry mightily unto God: yea, let them turn every one from his evil way, and from the violence that is in their hands.

Who can tell if God will turn and repent, and turn away from his fierce anger, that we perish not?

10 And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.

Part Two

But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

And he prayed unto the Lord, and said, I pray thee, O Lord, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil.

Therefore now, O Lord, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live.

Then said the Lord, Doest thou well to be angry?

So Jonah went out of the city, and sat on the east side of the city, and there made him a booth, and sat under it in the shadow, till he might see what would become of the city.

And the Lord God prepared a gourd, and made it to come up over Jonah, that it might be a shadow over his head, to deliver him from his grief. So Jonah was exceeding glad of the gourd.

But God prepared a worm when the morning rose the next day, and it smote the gourd that it withered.

And it came to pass, when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, It is better for me to die than to live.

And God said to Jonah, Doest thou well to be angry for the gourd? And he said, I do well to be angry, even unto death.

10 Then said the Lord, Thou hast had pity on the gourd, for the which thou hast not laboured, neither madest it grow; which came up in a night, and perished in a night:

11 And should not I spare Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than six score thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?King James Version (KJV)

Podcast Transcript


Welcome to the Valley of Grace Healing our Brokenness Podcast. And this morning, we are recording episode number 17 No Excuses.

We make excuses for everything.  We secretly wish that we could do things as well as other people.  For some of these things, we have the resources and materials to do them.  We won’t put them on our calendars.  And when we do, we keep putting them off until the next day.  I’ll get to it tomorrow.  I’ll get to it on the weekend.  The weekend turns into next week, then next month, then next year, and then 5 years later we are still wishing that we could’ve developed our skills in certain areas.  We trade our desires for time scrolling social media excessively or having Netflix or cable tv marathons. 

Here’s another one:  As soon as the kids are in kindergarten, I will practice better self-care.  Instead of doing this, we become even more worn down from playdate overload.  Then, once the kids get into middle school, I will get involved in small groups instead of isolating myself.  Instead of getting connected, we become even more isolated because we are running kids around 5 days a week for extracurricular activities.  A lot of times our excuses is that we are tired.  And a lot of times this is the truth.  However, we miraculously find a way to get everything else done.

Here’s another one:

As soon as football season is over, we’ll start eating together as a family, having family night, and the list goes on and on.  What happens is that the older our kids get, the more intentionality has to take place, but also, the harder it is to plan because of conflicting schedules, part-time jobs, girlfriends and boyfriends, and their desire to do more with their friends than with their parents.

Before you know it, we look up, and that time is gone.  Our children are young adults, and we are unable to get that time back.

Today, we are going to look at one individual who made excuses in the bible.  His name is Jonah.  He was told to go to Nineveh to warn the people of their sins and God’s judgment if they didn’t repent.  Instead of going, he headed to Tarshish and God had it where he was given a belly of the fish detour for disobeying his command.  Jonah felt justified in his disobedience?  Why?  His excuse was that he knew that God would forgive the people of Nineveh.  Let’s listen to the conversation that takes place between God and Jonah: 

Jonah 3:10-4:5

And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.

But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.

And he prayed unto the Lord, and said, I pray thee, O Lord, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil.

Therefore now, O Lord, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live.

Then said the Lord, Doest thou well to be angry?

So Jonah went out of the city, and sat on the east side of the city, and there made him a booth, and sat under it in the shadow, till he might see what would become of the city.

We would rather make excuses for disobedience to God’s instructions when we have our own opinions of what God’s end decision will be.

When I was at my last residence, it got to the point that I knew that I wasn’t receiving the correct amount of child and maintenance support money.  I didn’t want the stress of going back to court.  I didn’t want the additional trauma either.  However, I struggled, playing the Robbing Peter to pay Paul game, trying to keep up with paying utilities and rent, and scrambling to buy food.  As circumstances would have it, (God) I got backed into a corner where I had to go to take him back to court as my kids and I were facing eviction.

The process lasted three painful years, and unfortunately, more lies than before erupted in regard to income.  Everything that he was doing was projected on to me.  Before leaving the courtroom, I almost ended up unfairly with a humongous amount of money to pay him.  The whole scene was one that was out of a crazy Lifetime movie, except it was my life. 

When I got home after court, the anger erupted, I said to myself, so basically three whole years for this end result?  Really!!!

However, the Holy Spirit had already spoken to me several months before the last court date and told me, “Even if you never see a penny of that money, it was never about the money to begin with.  It was about accountability and God wanting you to fight for what was rightfully yours.” 

God knew the only way that I would stand up for myself was to force me into a series of events that gave me no choice.

And so the question that I leave with you tonight as food for thought is this:  What excuse are you making that could be keeping you straddling the fence of disobedience to God?

Thank you for listening to Healing our Brokenness and have a wonderful rest of your night!

Call to Action

If you are ready to stop making excuses when it comes to living in survival mode, and dysfunctional patterns of behavior and coping mechanisms, check out my new online Teachable course. Remember: Healing, growth, and maturity is not a drive-thru service, it’s something that can take a lifetime. However, what are our choices: revolving door of stagnancy or thriving and freedom. YOU DECIDE! Click here for more information!

Little Whispers: Song in My Heart

song in my heart, katina horton, valley of grace, healing, spiritual health, poem, poetry, song, heart, God's voice,

Background on Song in My Heart

Have you ever woke up with a song in your head and your heart? Well, that’s exactly what happened to me on yesterday morning. It was a song that I hadn’t heard in years. It played over and over in my head until I had to play it on YouTube. I listened to it three times. I had my own praise and worship session with Jesus. God knows just what we need. It makes me feel special when God takes the time to show me in little whispers that he loves me.

song in my heart, katina horton, valley of grace, healing, spiritual health, poem, poetry, song, heart, God's voice,

Song in My Heart

Savior, You woke me this morning.

With a crown of adorning.

Music right from the start.

With a song in my heart.

And you played it all day.

In a special kind of way.

“Cast my cares upon you”.

For you’ll surely see me through.

Other poems to check out:

Dance of Praise

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, so that in due time He may exalt you. 7CastallyouranxietyonHim,becauseHecaresforyou.

The Unpredictability Aspect

unpredictability aspect emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, psychological health, blogger, writer, podcaster, lifestyle, doctor, hyperactive thyroid, hypothyroidism, katina horton, health, physical health,

Background on “The Unpredictability Aspect”

The last post in the series, “Living With and Healing from Trauma on a Daily Basis”, was The Digestion Aspect. If you want to listen to a podcast related to today’s subject matter, check out “Episode 13: Grace Aspect of Living With and Healing from Trauma”.

unpredictability aspect emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, psychological health, blogger, writer, podcaster, lifestyle, doctor, hyperactive thyroid, hypothyroidism, katina horton, health, physical health,

When things are predictable, we feel safe, secure, and at ease. We are not God, and thus, the truth of the matter is that not everything in life will be predictable. However, when unpredictability becomes your norm, then it can be the perfect recipe for disaster. If you already have a history of PTSD or trauma, then after a round of unpredictability at its finest, you will be in line for more.

I was young, in my 20s, married, a full-time employee and a full-time student. And although I was very busy, and I did feel stress because of it, it wasn’t anything major. Out of the blue, everything changed. I went from doing all of the above to running to the emergency room and/or doctor’s office once or twice a week. Unpredictability rocked my world to put it mildly.

The symptoms started off with a racing heart. My ex-husband dropped me off in front of our apartment building one night so that I could get settled, and he could continue driving around to find a park. My heart started racing like crazy. I remember thinking to myself, “What is going on?” It finally stopped by the time that I got upstairs.

A couple of weeks after that, on my 24th birthday to be exact, I was standing in front of the copy machine at work when I started feeling excruciating chest pains. One of my coworkers rushed me to the ER in her car. They didn’t find anything.

However, after that, every few days there was a new symptom occurring: extremely high blood pressure, racing pulse, hammer-pounding headaches that made you long for heaven, diarrhea, an unsafe drop in weight, fibromyalgia,etc. It got to the point where my belts were no longer able to keep my pants up.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months as the physician ran every kind of blood test that he could think of. On one particular occasion, I was blow drying my hair, when all of a sudden, my heart and pulse starting racing as if it was going to beat out of my chest, and then my entire body started twitching. I finished blow drying my hair and headed to the ER. My mother, my ex-husband, and some other family members met me there.

As soon as my ex-husband saw me with my hair just blow dried and no curls, he stated, ” You couldn’t have done anything to your hair?” It was one of those moments when you stared in shock, cognitive dissonance sets in, and then you pretend like you didn’t hear what you just heard.

This vibrant twenty year-old, straight “A” student who was able to do it all suffered a time-out. I ended up having to drop two of my classes. The exhaustion and insomnia wouldn’t allow me to keep up.

Finally, during one particular visit to my physician, I gave in and told him that I was feeling depressed. He said that it was just the stress. My reply was, “Something is wrong with me.” He listed everything that he had done already, and then he said, ” How about we check your thyroid?”

In no time, I got the results. Bingo! I had hyperactive thyroid. Better known as Graves disease. I finally had an answer for this madness. I was happy and feeling blessed. However, that didn’t last long when I found out that it would take about four months before I would start feeling better.

I decided upon the “Radioactive Cocktail” as my method of treatment. A lady who worked in the nuclear medicine department gave me the best advice ever. She told me not to be surprised if my condition reverses because of medicine not being an “exact science”. It was the same thing that had happened to her.

At first, I was mad, and wondering why she would say something like this. However, I soon realized that it was the best advice ever because I was prepared. Just like she forewarned, my thyroid condition went normal, and then reversed to the other side, better known as hypothyroidism.

Four months later, I was back to my normal self so it seemed. However, the unpredictability of trips to the doctor and ER led me to develop compounded trauma. I already had childhood trauma under my belt. Then were was the trauma of being in a toxic relationship, a verbally abusive job, and my physical health was now added to that list.

If I had to look back at that twenty-four year old woman, I would tell her what I now know: “Breathe! Allow yourself to feel the feelings! When you don’t allow yourself to feel the feelings of overwhelm, your body will take it on. The stress has to go somewhere. Let it out! Nothing is worth your health. Community is everything. God is enough!”

Blessings all!

Katina

If Only: Living in the Past

if only, regrets, emotional health, mental health, physical health, spiritual health, resolution

if only, regrets, emotional health, mental health, physical health, spiritual health, resolution

“If Only” takes you to the past and leaves you there. It makes friends with “Would have”, “Should Have” and “Could Have”. I am quite sure that you have met them as well. Click and listen to this quick devotional from Coming Out of the Valley: Devotions for Thriving.

Have a blessed Sunday in the Lord!

If Only Meditation Verse

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3: 13-14

Suggested Post:

Oh Self-Pity!
Woe is Me!