Episode 24: Hurting People

healing, brokenness, emotional health, psychology, mental health, hurting people, author, blogger, blog, podcast, podcaster, katina horton, valley of grace, intentional, unintentional, David, Ziklag, Amalekites

Episode 24: Hurting People
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Hello everyone!  I hope that you enjoyed your Resurrection weekend!  In case you missed the last podcast episode, you can click here to catch up.

Hurting People Podcast Outline

  • Introduction
  • Hurting People Hurt Unintentionally
  • Hurting People Hurt Intentionally
  • David and His Hurting Men
  • How to Stop the Cycle
  • Podcast Transcript
healing, brokenness, emotional health, psychology, mental health, hurting people, author, blogger, blog, podcast, podcaster, katina horton, valley of grace, intentional, unintentional, David, Ziklag, Amalekites
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Good morning!  Welcome to Healing Our Brokenness Episode 24: Hurting People.  We have all heard of the phrase “Hurting People Hurt People”.  While some of us may not like the phrase itself, it is the truth.  God gives us freedom in truth.  We are all broken.  We live in a broken, fallen world.  Because we are broken, until we mend and glue together the broken pieces of the puzzle to our family’s iniquities, we will continue to intentionally and unintentionally hurt others.

Unintentional Hurting

We unintentionally hurt others when we live with unhealed brokenness from the wounds of our past, sin, pain, and pride.  Our unhealed wounds bleed out onto our immediate and extended families, coworkers, and Sisters and Brothers in Christ.  A lot of times, when we are broken, we become so self-absorbed in our own pain and wounds, that we don’t even notice that other people are going through things themselves.

We make vows that we will never be like our family member or other person who inflicted pain upon us.  However, if we are not going through some form of healing, whether it’s seeing a therapist, coach, or seeking self-help through books, we end up being just like them.  Our kids start learning dysfunctional patterns of behavior and coping mechanisms for pain.  We hurt them with our pain, and then they learn how to live their adult lives by what they see us doing.  We continue to pass down this vicious cycle.

My Family’s Pain

Upon moving to my last residence, my kids and I had suffered so much trauma.  And it wasn’t just that we had suffered trauma.  We were trauma bonded through some of the events that had taken place.  Because we were all dealing with an extreme amount of pain, initially we could only see ourselves as the ones who were the victim.    Each one of us blamed the other person and put on the persona of being innocent.  In actuality, each one of us had hurt each other unintentionally.  We were blind to the truth.

Before moving from my last residence, I began taking serious steps of dealing with the trauma that I had endured in my life.  Not only did I begin to deal with it, but I learned how to be vulnerable.  And I had to learn the difference between vulnerability and surface vulnerability.  When surface vulnerability occurs, you tell stay on the surface, only telling people what you think they want to hear so that you don’t look like the “broken one”.

Intentional Hurting

When we intentionally hurt others, we make sure that other people are going to pay for what someone else did to us.  If we were invalidated, then we make sure that everybody else is constantly invalidated.  If were abused, then we abuse.  If we were judged and criticized, then we make it our mission to judge and criticize others.  If our beef is with something that another male or female did, then every male and female will have to pay.  We turn into bashers.

Application

For example, I was watching a television show, and on the show, one lady was trying to run a smear campaign on her former brother-in-law because he had operated on her sister, who had cancer and died.  It had been discovered that negligence hadn’t taken place.  However, she kept making her point that he would pay for what he had done.

Another female character told her that making her former brother-in-law pay for her sister’s death wasn’t going to bring her sister back.  She had wounds that she needed to heal.  She had pain that she needed to deal with.  Blame blinds us to facing the truth that we are hurting.  Blame works as a comfort pacifier and prevents us from seeing what the real problem is.  Making others pay definitely doesn’t change the truth.  It doesn’t right what was wronged.  It doesn’t stop our hearts and souls from bleeding out.  It only makes matters worse.

David and his men had been out on a mission.  They returned to Ziklag, only to find it burned, raided, and the women and children taken captive.  They were all in such pain, that they almost killed David.  Killing David would have only provided temporary relief.  At the end of the day, whatever we use to numb our pain will only be temporary.  Our problems are still there.  We have only added to the depth of them.

Let’s listen to the story in 1 Samuel 30:

 

“1 Samuel 30 New International Version (NIV)

David Destroys the Amalekites

30 David and his men reached Ziklag on the third day. Now the Amalekites had raided the Negev and Ziklag. They had attacked Ziklag and burned it, and had taken captive the women and everyone else in it, both young and old. They killed none of them but carried them off as they went on their way.

When David and his men reached Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and sons and daughters taken captive. So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength left to weep. David’s two wives had been captured—Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal of Carmel. David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the Lord his God.

Then David said to Abiathar the priest, the son of Ahimelek, “Bring me the ephod.” Abiathar brought it to him, and David inquired of the Lord, “Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?”

“Pursue them,” he answered. “You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue.”

 

How to Stop the Cycle

 

  • When we are in pain, we take out hurt and hearts to Jesus.  He is the only one who can help us to sort through the mess of our past.
  • Take responsibility and sign up for therapy and support group where we can be held accountable.
  • Refuse to give in to the enemy’s plan to isolate ourselves.
  • Listen to good preaching.
  • Read self-help books.
  • We are intentional about not making ourselves targets for the spirits of self-pity and blame.
  • Pray and ask others for forgiveness and patience as we wrestle through the pain and wounds of our past.

 

Thank you for listening to Episode 24: Hurting People!  Have a blessed day in the Lord!

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Episode 23: Sabotaging Our Healing

sabotaging our healing, brokenness, psychology, emotional health, psychological health, spiritual health, character development, trauma, ptsd, podcaster, katina horton, author, podcasting, simple functional grace-filled living, valley of grace, broken pieces, Teachable Course

Episode 23: Sabotaging Our Healing
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Sabotaging Our Healing Podcast Outline

  • Sabotage Our Healing with Busyness and Instability
  • Sabotaging Our Healing by Allowing Shame and Perception Of Others to Reign
  • Sabotaging Our Healing by Surrounding Ourselves with Clutter
  • Lastly, we Sabotage Our Healing by Refusing to Do What We’re Told
  • Podcast Transcript

Good morning!  Welcome to Healing Our Brokenness.  And today we are recording Episode 23:  Sabotaging Our Healing.  When we think of the word sabotage, it suggests the following: “getting in the way, damaging, intentionally interrupting, preventing something from taking place.  When we think of sabotaging our healing, it means that we are harming or preventing ourselves from healing.  Since the rewards of healing is astronomical, why would we want to prevent ourselves from doing it?  There are several reasons why:

  • We’re afraid to face the pain.
  • We don’t want the work.
  • We don’t want to use our free time to do it.
  • We really don’t want to be free because we have been in bondage for so long, and so, the bondage that we know is better than the freedom that we don’t.
sabotaging our healing, brokenness, psychology, emotional health, psychological health, spiritual health, character development, trauma, ptsd, podcaster, katina horton, author, podcasting, simple functional grace-filled living, valley of grace, broken pieces, Teachable Course
Photo by Francesco Paggiaro on Pexels.com

There are several ways that we sabotage our healing:

 

  1. Sabotage Our Healing with Busyness and Instability- We will fill our days up from morning till night being busy so that we don’t have to sit long enough to feel.  If we work outside the home, we spend hours shopping after work before going home.  If we work inside the home, we make sure that we are busy from morning to night.  We think that we can outsmart our mind and emotions.  I have been guilty of doing this one myself.  What I noticed is that one of three things usually happen.

Situation 1:  When we finally lay down to go to bed, our minds are going 100 mph with anxiety.  We start going over all the things that we did during the day.  The feelings start coming up.  Our past starts knocking on our door.  Unhealed brokenness starts bleeding out.  Obtrusive thoughts start settling in.  Then, we end up not being able to go to sleep for several hours because our minds are trying to process everything that we didn’t allow it to process during the day.  Several days of this can turn into weeks, and then weeks into months.  And if we didn’t have trauma before, there is definitely a chance of developing it then.  We can only go so many days like this.  Our bodies can’t sustain this lifestyle without breaking down.

Situation 2:  We conk out as soon as our heads hit the pillow.  Because we haven’t processed anything, we are running on empty in every area.  We keep putting off dealing with certain things until they are a must.  And when we have to deal with it, we end up shutting down, or having a complete emotional meltdown/tantrum.  This can play out at work, school, home, church wherever.

When we are on emotional and mental overload, there is no way to control when and where it will come out.  Even now, I have to remind myself to take a break from work and give myself thirty minutes to lay down and think about nothing.  This became an issue for me after the trauma that occurred within the last seven years.  Believe it or not, as soon as I begin to relax, I can feel emotions coming up.  I also like to have reflection time in the morning when I wake up.  If I am in a rush and have to leave out an emotional mess from backed up grief, my emotions only intensify as the day goes on.

Situation 3:  We become consistently inconsistent at everything.  Lack of structure gets in the way of our healing.  When we are all over the place, our minds are all over the place, and then our lives and relationships are all over the place.

 

  1. Sabotaging Our Healing by Allowing Shame and Perception Of Others to Reign-This is also one that I am guilty of having to watch myself. If I allow my brokenness of perfectionism and the shame that it’s friends with to kick in, I am more tempted to want to hold off sharing with my life-giving friends or therapist about what is going on now, or a situation that happened in the past.

 

I get caught up wondering what the person will think of me, how I will be perceived, and the list goes on and on.  I also get caught up in wondering whether or not I will possibly “lose it” and have an “ugly face” cry in front of others.  I have to remind myself that these are safe people, and if I cry, so what!  I ‘m human.  We’re all broken.  Satan will try whatever way that he can to discourage us from being vulnerable.  Vulnerability in a safe environment with time and space chips away the stone of shame.

 

  1. Sabotaging Our Healing by Surrounding Ourselves with Clutter-We fill up every knick and cranny of our homes and our cars with clutter.  It prevents us from being able to gain clarity about anything.  It prevents us from having structure and space to feel.  We also have problems making decisions because the clutter is serving as an emotional pacifier.  As soon as the clutter starts being lifted, then we can be tempted to go back again.  Our addictions take the place of feeling the hurt and pain that we are holding keeping at bay.  Being surrounded by excessive clutter takes the place of being able to dig into our feelings.  Therefore, we often go back to our addictions.  The pain becomes too much to bear.  And instead of pressing in, we press out to comfort.

 

  1. Lastly, we Sabotage Our Healing by Refusing to Do What We’re Told-If our therapists, coaches, friends, pastors, or others give us godly counsel in regard to our behavior, we have already come up with 50 excuses as to why we can’t begin to make changes.  We are intent on doing it the way that we want to do it.  However, nine times out of ten, our way isn’t going to work.  If it was, we would have started making changes.

 

Naaman went to see Elisha in order to be healed from leprosy.  He almost sabotaged his own healing because he didn’t want to do what he was told.  He wanted Elisha to come out and do a powerful healing ceremony.  He thought that he was “too good” to stoop to Elisha’s healing instructions.  Elisha instructed him to wash in the Jordan seven times.  He finally did it, with some prodding from his servant.  But, he definitely wasn’t happy about it.

2 Kings 5

So Naaman went with his horses and chariots and stopped at the door of Elisha’s house. 10 Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, “Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.”

11 But Naaman went away angry and said, “I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy. 12 Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” So he turned and went off in a rage.

13 Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’!” 14 So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.

 

Naaman almost missed out on his healing because he wanted it “his way”.  What happens when we want things our way?  We miss out on everything God has to offer and more.  God uses wise people to lead us to make wise decisions.  However, he will not beg us to do our part.

 

So, what is the solution to combatting sabotage?  Desiring a life that thrives over a life of stagnancy.   No one can give us the desire and motivation to heal.  Unfortunately, there is no magic formula.  The comfort is that Jesus will be there with us in the fire.  We can teach our kids and leave a legacy behind that stops the generational sins of our fathers.

 

God bless!  Thanks for listening to Episode 23:  Sabotaging Our Healing

 

 

 

 

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If you are ready to heal from Trauma or Any Brokenness, and you are tired of the Sabotage Cycle, check out brokenpieces.teachable.com for Two Courses:  Broken Pieces:  From Survival Mode to the Life of Thriving & De-Clutter Your Home, De-Clutter Your Mind, and De-Clutter Your Life

 

Last podcast episode:

 

Opposition Against Your Calling

 

 

Episode 22: Opposition Against Your Calling

opposition, opposition against your calling, push, negativity, inner circles, relationships, emotional health, psychology, physical health, spiritual health, brokenness, healing, encouragement, testing the spirit, katina horton, podcaster, podcast

Episode 22: Opposition Against Your Calling
Healing Our Brokenness Podcast Seri...

 
 
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opposition, opposition against your calling, push, negativity, inner circles, relationships, emotional health, psychology, physical health, spiritual health, brokenness, healing, encouragement, testing the spirit, katina horton, podcaster, podcast
Photo by Frame Kings on Pexels.com

Opposition Against Your Calling Podcast Outline

  • Analyzing Calling
  • The Effects of Our Calling
  • What Happened to Me in My Calling
  • Nehemiah and his Calling
  • Solutions for Opposition
  • Podcast Transcript

 

Good afternoon!  Welcome to Episode 22 of Healing Our Brokenness.  Today’s Episode is entitled, “Opposition Against Your Calling”. 

 

Analyzing Calling

How many of you have been told by God that you were destined for a calling?  You went through the steps of walking in that calling until Satan started to shame you with your personal struggles, and what your present reality is, rather than God’s truth.  That is what has happened to me as well.

When life’s disappointments begin to scream at us from every direction known to man, we start to second guess what it is that God already promised us.  As a matter of fact, when God spoke your calling over your life, the promise was so strong, that you could feel God’s peace over you.

God is not a liar.  His word will not return unto him void.  However, we are not in charge of the timing.  But, because we don’t see God’s promise coming to fruition right away, we allow the enemy to shame us with doubt and negative views of God.  We detach ourselves from seeing his provision, faithfulness, and goodness while we wait.

The Effects of Our Calling

When God puts a calling on our lives, it can bring out the best or the worst in people.  Some people will cheer you on and confirm the calling that has been spoken to you clearly about.  They might even offer to help you with anything that you need to get started.  These are usually the ones who will pray for and with you and walk through the entire birthing process that God has placed upon you.

But then we have the second group of people.  This is the group of people who will try to do everything that they can do to discourage you from stepping into what God has already told you is yours.  I have had this to happen to me unfortunately.  They will spew out everything that they can possibly think of in the area of negativity.  There will be subtle hints of how you should do something else.  Or hints of your current status not being representative of anything close to your calling.  They might make comments about your clothing or physical appearance.

Unfortunately, in my own personal experience, I had all three of the above instances to occur.  I noticed there was a pattern that occurred.  As I celebrated each small accomplishment, there were suggestions that I should do something else.  It took me a while to catch on.  What becomes dangerous, and something that we very much must watch out for is when people will use the Holy Spirit to speak into what you are supposed to do, and it is not lining up with what God has told you.  God does speak to other people.  However, if it is in direct contradiction with what we have been told, we need to be careful.  The scriptures tell us to test the spirits.

One thing about negativity is that when it gets into your head, it becomes like a disease.  It is easy going in, but not easy getting out.  Your mood will shift from one of being upbeat to depression until you start noticing where the source of this negativity is coming from.

What Happened to Me in My Calling

When everything fell apart in my life in 2018, and I started the beginning of my job trials, Satan tried to convince me to stop following the steps of my calling.  However, now that I look back, his work was so evident that he decided to have almost every single appliance in my home to break down one after the other.  It was unbelievable.

Then, within the last week, as I was coming to a place of acceptance of letting God direct me in my next steps, and on a spiritual high from this “new place”, once again, Satan showed up in trying to prevent me from doing my calling.  Out of nowhere, I had major problems with my printer.  Then, I narrowed it down to realizing that the issue was just with my laptop.

Then, I thought, “Oh Great!”  I found myself getting upset because it took several hours away from productivity for the day.  I had already had two days where I couldn’t do as much work since I wasn’t feeling well, and this particular day, I was ready to get things done.  However, the printer was not.  I came up with a plan to tackle it later and kept going.

What Happened to Me in My Calling- Part 2

And the enemy kept going.  I had three blog posts to get done, and two podcast recordings to complete before the week was out, and my blog’s website had a three-part glitch.  The technicians fixed two problems and gave me a workaround solution for third fix so that I could get back to working.

The temporary fix caused about six other problems.  At this point, I had to pray.  I admitted to the Lord that I was really angry at this point.  I asked him to help me not to sin in this anger, and to work through the problem.  Sometimes we just have to get honest with our feelings.  He was already aware of what was going on.  The six other problems resolved by this morning, and I am still working in a temporary editor until their developer fixes the bug.  But God is good!  Satan didn’t totally cripple me from doing what I needed to do.  However, there was a lot of frustration along the way.

As Nehemiah and his people tried to rebuild the wall of Jerusalem, they faced a lot of opposition.  Like with myself, people tried any and everything in order to get Nehemiah to come down from building the wall.  Sanballat and his crew even sent a false prophet to Nehemiah to make it seem like the Lord had given orders.

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Let’s listen in on this story:

Nehemiah 6 New International Version (NIV)

Nehemiah and his Calling

When word came to Sanballat, Tobiah, Geshem the Arab and the rest of our enemies that I had rebuilt the wall and not a gap was left in it—though up to that time I had not set the doors in the gates— Sanballat and Geshem sent me this message: “Come, let us meet together in one of the villages[a] on the plain of Ono.”

But they were scheming to harm me; so I sent messengers to them with this reply: “I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and go down to you?” Four times they sent me the same message, and each time I gave them the same answer.

Then, the fifth time, Sanballat sent his aide to me with the same message, and in his hand was an unsealed letter in which was written:

“It is reported among the nations—and Geshem[b] says it is true—that you and the Jews are plotting to revolt, and therefore you are building the wall. Moreover, according to these reports you are about to become their king and have even appointed prophets to make this proclamation about you in Jerusalem: ‘There is a king in Judah!’ Now this report will get back to the king; so come, let us meet together.”

I sent him this reply: “Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up out of your head.”

They were all trying to frighten us, thinking, “Their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will not be completed.”

But I prayed, “Now strengthen my hands.”

Scripture Part 2

10 One day I went to the house of Shemaiah son of Delaiah, the son of Mehetabel, who was shut in at his home. He said, “Let us meet in the house of God, inside the temple, and let us close the temple doors, because men are coming to kill you—by night they are coming to kill you.”

11 But I said, “Should a man like me run away? Or should someone like me go into the temple to save his life? I will not go!” 12 I realized that God had not sent him, but that he had prophesied against me because Tobiah and Sanballat had hired him. 13 He had been hired to intimidate me so that I would commit a sin by doing this, and then they would give me a bad name to discredit me.

14 Remember Tobiah and Sanballat, my God, because of what they have done; remember also the prophet Noadiah and how she and the rest of the prophets have been trying to intimidate me. 15 So the wall was completed on the twenty-fifth of Elul, in fifty-two days.

Opposition to the Completed Wall

16 When all our enemies heard about this, all the surrounding nations were afraid and lost their self-confidence, because they realized that this work had been done with the help of our God.

17 Also, in those days the nobles of Judah were sending many letters to Tobiah and replies from Tobiah kept coming to them. 18 For many in Judah were under oath to him, since he was son-in-law to Shekaniah son of Arah, and his son Jehohanan had married the daughter of Meshullam son of Berekiah. 19 Moreover, they kept reporting to me his good deeds and then telling him what I said. And Tobiah sent letters to intimidate me.

 

Just like with Nehemiah and myself, Satan will send anybody and anything to stop you from doing what God wants you to do.  He will send your kids, your family, your friends, appliance and technology failure, etc.  Anything!  He will send people to us to have us to waste five hours that could be invested in getting things done.  Or better yet, waste five hours surfing on social media, and then for sure you aren’t going to want to do anything afterwards.

Solutions for Opposition

How do we combat the opposition against our calling?

  • Be aware of patterns of behavior in others in others that cause depression and sadness through the spirit of negativity.
  • Prepare yourself to do some exchanging of your inner and outer circles.
  • Know that if at no other time, your calling will be the time when it will be clear if you will have to let some friendships go.
  • Test the spirit to see if what was prophesied lines up with what God promised you.
  • Keep yourself prayed up and encouraged in the Lord. There are many times that David had to do that.
  • Persevere with consistency and give yourself grace along the way.
  • Be honest with your feelings when opposition comes your way.

Thank you for listening to Healing Our Brokenness: Episode 22: Opposition Against Your Calling.  I hope that you have been able to have some takeaways to add to your healing.  God bless!

Episode 21: Approval Addiction

valley of grace, healing our brokenness, podcast, katina horton, podcaster, healing, brokenness, trauma, trials, ptsd

Episode 21: Approval Addiction
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In case you missed our last podcast episode, you can catch that one here:

Podcast Episode 21: Approval Addiction Outline:

 

  • Dissecting Approval Addiction
  • Analyzing People-Pleasing
  • Perfectionism’s Trap
  • My Issues with Perfectionism
  • Moses’ Issues with People-Pleasing
  • Solutions
  • Podcast Transcript

 

approval addiction, podcaster, podcast, katina horton, mental health, spiritual health, physical health, energizer bunny, psychology, author, writer, poet, blogger, blogs, people-pleasing, perfectionism, simple functional grace-filled living, valley of grace, valley of grace blog, episode 21, season 2

Approval Addiction

Good afternoon!  Welcome to Episode 21:  Healing Our Brokenness.  Today’s Episode is entitled, “Approval Addiction”.

  • Dissecting Approval Addiction

Perfectionism and People pleasing are more acceptable words to say.  It sounds better and makes us feel better than to tell someone that we suffer from approval addiction.  Saying the words approval addiction makes us want to cringe.  However, the deeper issue of these two sins is the need for approval.  When it comes to the brokenness that occurs in our lives, either we tend to follow in the footsteps that this emotion caused, or we will do the exact opposite.  People pleasing and perfectionism stem from rejection.  If we are rejected, then the natural thing to do is to 1) disappear, or become invisible, or 2) to make sure that someone sees me.

  • Analyzing People-Pleasing

First of all, we will examine the sin of people pleasing.  When it comes to people pleasing, we are focusing on doing the things that people want us to do.  If it gets to the extreme, where we are so trying to keep everybody happy, that we have literally lost our own sense of self in the process, that’s when we get to the point of waking up one day, and then asking ourselves,  “Okay, what do I want?”

I have done everything that everyone else wanted me to do.  How do I live outside of this? For example, If there are 50 people in a room, and we took a survey to see how all fifty of these people thought that we should style our hair, we could possibly have anywhere between 20 to 50 answers.  What if we decided to follow their advice, we’d be going around just like the energizer bunny, worn out, and a tired, hot mess.  They would be happy, but we wouldn’t be because we have decided to forego being true to ourselves.  We have lost a sense of what we value and hold true to ourselves.

  • Perfectionism’s Trap

The next sin that we will examine is that of perfectionism.  I was abandoned by my dad at age 11.  I felt rejected.  Since my mom and dad were no longer together, and we were total opposites, and I had to have some kind of conclusion to come to in a child’s mind, then I felt rejected by her.  Thirdly, I had a situation where I stood outside of the Baptist church that I grew up in, and one teenager said to another, “Her mother is so beautiful.  I wonder what happened to her.”

To a teenage girl, this is devastating.  Mix it in with the fact that I already had double issues of rejection from my parents, as well as physical insecurities.  It rocked my world.  I internalized what was said.  And then, I was setup on the course for dating and then marrying my ex-husband, who had his only brokenness of being controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, serial cheating, and the list goes on.  I endured a 20-year marriage of this.  And the question is, since I had grounds for divorce, why did I stay so long?

  • My Issues with Perfectionism

The above two reasons that I mentioned:  extreme insecurities about my appearance and the three-part rejection issue.  He was able to keep me in his back pocket so long because of my low-self worth.  And, unfortunately, in my brokenness, I allowed it.  It wasn’t until about three years ago that I got to the root of my perfectionism/approval addiction issues.

God was gracious and merciful at the time.  Secondly, he showed me how it played out.  I was the rule follower.  The “good girl” in grammar school and high school.  Katina didn’t get into trouble.  My perfection played out in winning spelling bees, high grades in school, and performing in oratorical contests.  I loved doing all these things.  However, there was also recognition for doing all these things.  Instead of choosing to become invisible, I chose to be seen.

Because of my ex-husband’s brokenness, he pretended like all I had to do was a few things and we would get back to the way that things were.  What I didn’t know in the beginning is that I could do 50 things, or 1000 things, and the relationship was never going back to the beginning.  I had been love-bombed, gaslight, devalued, and being groomed for discard unfortunately.

Perfectionism went from one area of my life to every area as I tried to fix him and give structure and control an out-of-control person.  Who was I fooling?  There was a two-way street going.  I was on a mission to the fixing what he needed, and I took the devil’s bait of getting my self-worth from him instead of God.  We will never be filled by another individual in an area that only God can fill.   And if you are dealing with someone with his type of brokenness, they will just keep adding to the list, making you think, “if only you do this”.  Trust me, it will never happen.

  • Moses’ Issues with People-Pleasing

Moses had the same setup from the Israelites.  He led the

people out of Egypt as God had told him, but then all of the

needy people were coming to him for everything. 

Here is the scripture taken from Exodus 18: 

Jethro’s Advice

“18 Jethro, the priest of Midian, Moses’ father-in-law, heard of all that God had done for Moses and for Israel his people, how the Lord had brought Israel out of Egypt. Now Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, had taken Zipporah, Moses’ wife, after he had sent her home, along with her two sons. The name of the one was Gershom (for he said, “I have been a sojourner[a] in a foreign land”), and the name of the other, Eliezer[b] (for he said, “The God of my father was my help, and delivered me from the sword of Pharaoh”). Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, came with his sons and his wife to Moses in the wilderness where he was encamped at the mountain of God. 

And when he sent word to Moses, “I,[c] your father-in-law Jethro, am coming to you with your wife and her two sons with her,” Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. And they asked each other of their welfare and went into the tent. Then Moses told his father-in-law all that the Lord had done to Pharaoh and to the Egyptians for Israel’s sake, all the hardship that had come upon them in the way, and how the Lord had delivered them. And Jethro rejoiced for all the good that the Lord had done to Israel, in that he had delivered them out of the hand of the Egyptians.

10 Jethro said, “Blessed be the Lord, who has delivered you out of the hand of the Egyptians and out of the hand of Pharaoh and has delivered the people from under the hand of the Egyptians. 11 Now I know that the Lord is greater than all gods, because in this affair they dealt arrogantly with the people.”[d] 12 And Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, brought a burnt offering and sacrifices to God; and Aaron came with all the elders of Israel to eat bread with Moses’ father-in-law before God.

13 The next day Moses sat to judge the people, and the people stood around Moses from morning till evening. 14 When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that he was doing for the people, he said, “What is this that you are doing for the people? Why do you sit alone, and all the people stand around you from morning till evening?” 15 And Moses said to his father-in-law, “Because the people come to me to inquire of God; 

16 when they have a dispute, they come to me and I decide between one person and another, and I make them know the statutes of God and his laws.”17 Moses’ father-in-law said to him, “What you are doing is not good.18 You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone. 

19 Now obey my voice; I will give you advice, and God be with you! You shall represent the people before God and bring their cases to God, 20 and you shall warn them about the statutes and the laws, and make them know the way in which they must walk and what they must do. 21 Moreover, look for able men from all the people, men who fear God, who are trustworthy and hate a bribe, and place such men over the people as chiefs of thousands, of hundreds, of fifties, and of tens. 

22 And let them judge the people at all times. Every great matter they shall bring to you, but any small matter they shall decide themselves. So it will be easier for you, and they will bear the burden with you. 23 If you do this, God will direct you, you will be able to endure, and all this people also will go to their place in peace.”

24 So Moses listened to the voice of his father-in-law and did all that he had said. 25 Moses chose able men out of all Israel and made them heads over the people, chiefs of thousands, of hundreds, of fifties, and of tens.26 And they judged the people at all times. Any hard case they brought to Moses, but any small matter they decided themselves. 27 Then Moses let his father-in-law depart, and he went away to his own country.”

What happened to Moses is kind of like having your children say, “Mom”.  You answer and then it turns into fifty more times.  And to be honest, by then you are aggravated, and ready to run away or ring someone’s neck.  It gets played out real fast.  However, like in my relationship, Moses had his rejection issues from birth, and then his life in Egypt that were never resolved.  He got caught in people pleasing/approval addiction.  He could help the people in their neediness, and they could help provide him with the approval that he craved that should have been filled by God.

What happens?  We get tired after a while.  Emotional, physical, spiritual, and psychological exhaustion takes place on both sides.  Codependency sets in, like in me and Moses’ situation.  Bottom Line:  We can’t give people what they need.

 

God is telling us like he told Martha, “Come, sit at my feet.  Rest in me.  Fill your soul with spirit-filled activities.  People are never going to be enough.”  He is a jealous God.  And he is jealous of our people worship.

He keeps telling us: “Come unto me all ye that labor, and I will give you rest.”

 

When we choose people pleasing and perfectionism over God, then we choose to settle for broken pieces of shame, other people’s expectations, rejection, unworthiness, and unacceptance.

  • Solutions

So, how do we start the recovery process from approval addiction?

 

  1. We remind ourselves that our identity is in Christ.
  2. We speak to our soul and tell it, “God loves you!”
  3. Remind ourselves that Jesus was despised and rejected so he can identify with our pain.
  4. Christ is enough, and we are enough in Christ.
  5. Rest in God.
  6. We tell ourselves the follow statement:

“We are all broken, and so when we look to others for approval, we are getting approval from everyone else’s broken lens.”-Katina Horton

Thank you for listening to Healing Our Brokenness: Episode 21: Approval Addiction.  I hope that you have been able to have some takeaways to add to your healing.  God bless!

Disappointments

We will disappointment others, and others will disappointment us.  Whatever the case may be, disappointments can take us on a whirlwind of emotions, processing, and more emotions, and processing.  It can leave us in a cave of events, and shame if we continue ruminating over each thing that happened, instead of processing the events for healing purposes.

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Unmet expectations.

Can take you round and round.

The disappointment.

Shame’s strangulation.

Will pull you to the ground.

Hope is an anchor,

Gives you grounding.

When your world seems to fall.

And Christ, Our Savior,

With his shield of Favor,

Will help us when we call.

 

Opening the Trust Door

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We have all had trust issues at one time or another.  These issues usually stem from experiencing hurt from the people that are closest to us.  The poem “Opening the Trust Door” portrays a dialog that occurs between us and God.  God is the only one that can heal our issues with trust.  That is, if we invite him in.

trust, emotional health, ptsd, mental health, psychology, blog, blogging, belief, healing, brokenness, thriving, opening the door
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Should I trust again?

Do I let people in?

Will they bring me more pain?

Or, stand with me in the rain?

 

Do I stay in the cave?

Where it’s dark, but feels safe?

Or, do I walk out and thrive?

And thank God I’m alive.

 

If I open the gate,

Will there be much more hate?

 

“If you let me come in,

We’ll be more than just friends.”

Boundaries

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The last poem that I wrote was entitled “Inner Circle”, and it deals with the conflict of deciding who to allow in your inner circle. Today’s poem is entitled Boundaries. It can be difficult to implement boundaries, but when you do, the payoff is rewarding. As with anything, the first step is always the hardest. God bless!

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Boundaries

Boundaries. Boundaries.

It’s where you end and I begin.

Boundaries. Boundaries.

Leave them out, it becomes sin.

Boundaries, Boundaries.

I respect you. You respect me.

Boundaries. Boundaries.

When we leave them out, our rights will flee.

boundaries, emotional health, mental health, anxiety, depression, psychology, blog, blogger, author, author life, blogger life, empathy, rights,
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Bible Verses to Meditate On:

2 Corinthians 6:14

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Proverbs 25:17

Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.

Inner Circle

inner circle, poet, poetry, poem, emotional health, psychological health, trust, psychology, spiritual health, trust, friendships, healing, brokenness

The last poem that I wrote was entitled Strength, and it can be found here. Tonight’s poem is entittled, Inner Circle, and it deals with the conflict that arises between selecting who should and shouldn’t be included in our inner circles.

inner circle, poet, poetry, poem, emotional health, psychological health, trust, psychology, spiritual health, trust, friendships, healing, brokenness
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Inner Circle

The inner circle, The inner circle, The inner circle of life.

Let in someone with wisdom, growth, and discernment?

Or, let in someone with strife.

It’s the inner circle, it’s the inner circle. Who will you let in?

Let in the workers of iniquity?

Or, let in the faithful friend?

Hey inner circle! hey inner circle!

Open the door and let me in.

Can we trust you with our trials?

Or our failures and our sin?

The inner circle, The inner circle, The inner circle of life.

Let in someone with wisdom, growth, and discernment?

Or, let in someone with strife.

inner circle, poet, poetry, poem,  emotional health, psychological health, trust, psychology, spiritual health, trust, friendships, healing, brokenness
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Have a blessed night in the Lord!

Katina

Bible Verses to Meditate On:

After six days Jesus took with Him Peter, James, and John the brother of James,and led them up a high mountain by themselves.   There He was transfigured before them.

Matthew 17: 1-2, Berean Study Bible